Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ouch
lmao
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.