You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You Might Also Like
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Speak now or ever hold your peace
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Weirdly Wednesday.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.