“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.