I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You Might Also Like
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
moms in horror movies
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan