My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.