8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
she has a point
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.