January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.