OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The Joker was right
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Going to church you guys need anything