Mountain Goat : )
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I support this random dude and all his protests
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”