When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.