Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
tinder is all about the long game
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*