You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER