I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped