Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
🤣dope
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler