Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Received some very disappointing news today
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]