{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75