I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.