Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
You Might Also Like
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?