Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.