I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
The options really are this bad
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome