Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops