I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Knock Knock
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.