Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
We all have our pet causes.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet