HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You Might Also Like
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)