‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Florida man
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.