Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.