Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
![]()
You Might Also Like
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
![]()
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities