“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Cake!!
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.