“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
When you don’t understand how floors work
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Breaking news:
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER