I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Easy enough.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*