When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?