ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You Might Also Like
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
when you order from DoorDastardly
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
This could be us… but you playing
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?