I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’