John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
You Might Also Like
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Oops I deleted….
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ