I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
uh oh
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets