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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My circle of trust is a meatball
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.