Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: