break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
All is fair in drunk and war.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…