Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors