“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings