“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
tis the season
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
wut hotdog?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.