10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Any refunds available?…
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.