Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT