coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Bring back the McRib
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I don’t make the rules sorry
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.