[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.