While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?