ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?