If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.