Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.