came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
choose your gary
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Stop.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me if I was a dog
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”